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Kana
29 April 2016 @ 12:23 am

Hi guys, it's been more than a year again...

I just read my post last year before posting this one. I was able to get a job however I wasn't able to leave the home my youngest sister and I share. My mom begged me to stay (for their comfort).

LAST YEAR

The job I had before was really good. The work, the colleagues, and my bosses were awesome. I enjoyed the job more than I have expected. Supporting customers with their online dating profiles was entertaining. The job started getting harder when my health got worse. I had hard time sleeping, eating on time. I lost time for myself. All I did in the end was work, eat, and sleep. The night-shift job was not suitable for body. I became overweight and I pity myself for looking like this. Dieting was not an option for me since I needed the energy and I cannot make time to prepare healthy meals.

I started getting depressed again and decided to resign. My team leader was supportive of my decision. She told me that I did change as the year ended and told me to look for myself again. She even offered to travel with me, thinking that I needed a change of scenery and people around me. I owe her so much.

WHAT NOW

I have been unemployed and did nothing at all for the past month. Oh, I did watch the whole eight seasons of Charmed though XD . The whole month gave me a lot to think of. I finally found the motivation and a goal that I want to reach.

I want to be an English language trainer. An English-Japanese translator as back up and at least be able to blog or publish anything I can. If I do blog or have a website on my own, I want to be the one to design it.

I never felt this passion before. I have been in and out of school multiple times and learned a lot about English and Design. I never finished any of the Degrees I took. I've been rebellious for the past years (you can read how messed up I am with my previous entries). I never aimed for anything. No dreams, goals, aspirations, motivations, etc., name it. I just always wanted to have fun, escape the desperate me, and get away from my family. At last, I have told myself, "tama na" .

MY PLANS

I plan to get a day shift job with weekends off, finish my degree during the night, and continue my Japanese lessons every Saturday. I found out the AMA University is now offering online courses and I will take advantage of it by transferring and shifting to BA English. You might thinking that shifting is a bad idea, the thing is, with my bad grades, I doubt that my IT subjects won't be credited if I continue BS IT. My course in FEU Institute of Tech focused more on Design and AMAUOEd is not offering any design degrees.

Why not continue design? When I took up BS IT with specialization in Digital Arts, I started as an excited young adult, thinking that I was talented enough to make it. However, after 4 years of taking minimum required units per term, I was not competitive enough. I don't have original creative ideas that can make anyone look at it. I was always late in submitting my art projects because I struggled in creating them and even if I do pass them on time, I never got any high marks.

Since I am so late to finish my education, I would rather finish something I am very confident in and I know I'll be able to use it in my career goal. I'm not abandoning design though, I'll still review what I learned before about web design and print design, and use it for my personal projects or maybe help out in the company that I'll be in the future.

THE BIG QUESTION

With the short time I have to reach my goals, I need to start making my portfolio or proof of what I can do. Obviously, the diploma and certifications are the most basic, but how about the rest. Are my decisions and plans correct? What do I need to start working on? What should I put in my portfolio? Are there seminars/workshops about writing? Do I need to change my lifestyle? Do I need to get out more? A change in environment? A change in myself perhaps? Do I need to meet specific kinds of people or be in events to learn more? What kind of trends should I follow that will help me?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Share what you what you think by sending me a personal message. Your thoughts and opinions will be very helpful and I'm thanking you in advance. If you have suggestions on how to make me a better person or help me reach my goals, a big thank you for that as well!

 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Adele
 
 
Kana
30 January 2015 @ 01:25 am
Give me the courage to do this...if I do get...maybe this time...they will stop...
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
 
Kana
29 January 2015 @ 03:26 am

I woke up at 3PM yesterday...I said, I just need a Korean drama just like always...and I did start to watch one...


But then my sister came...and she just had to add to the pressure I'm already feeling...


The whole night she pointed out how inconsiderate I am to my family...as usual I defended myself as if I didn't care...but I do...I know I'm wasting resources and I keep on lying...If only I had a place to go, then I would have gone there a long time ago...


I know I can't support myself...I do know how, but I'm just too picky about it...I'm the typical person who wants everything but doesn't work hard on it even a bit...like what my sister said...I have no right to complain...


I did this to myself...I know...


I don't know how to face the world with what I am now...I don't want to lie to more people...


Maybe...even if it's wrong...I'll start on doing whatever I can to run away...maybe by then, I don't have to face them...I just have to earn and earn and show them that I need them to stop pressuring me about what I do with my life...I know they just care...but I can't take it anymore...why can't they just let me go...I'm 26 already...I want them to not care about me anymore...I'd rather hear them saying what a loser I am and how miserable my life is than pressuring me by guilt tripping me...


I am selfish...I want to make myself to feel that I am really okay...because if I don't, I can't make others feel relieved that I'm doing what makes me content...


When I wake up, I'm going to get a job...leave this place as soon as I can...and stay out of contact...I'll pay them back someday...all they think about is how much money and time they spent anyway...

 
 
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
 
 
Kana
28 January 2015 @ 04:02 am

Hey livejournal..It's been almost 5 years since I was here...Who would have thought I will be posting here again...


After reviewing my entries here, I saw myself yearning for the affection I had before...Guess what? My last entry? That same year, I met someone...He changed my life...I was happy in a different way...Everything was new...not even a shred of similarity from my old love...


However it didn't last long...8 months...we were both immature...we only wanted to have fun...we never even had a future when we started...we stayed with each other for 2 years though...he said he wanted to stay friends...we both felt the love was there...but no commitment...until we both made a big mistake...


I was able to fix our mistake back then...after that, he did his best to not concern himself with me anymore...I tried being friendly...honestly I did...but even in front of friends, he treated me coldly...I was just trying to ask him how he was...but I couldn't get near to even say "what's up?" or "how's it going?"...I had that treatment for 2 years...


I tried to give up...you know, caring about him...as a friend...i thought since he opened a lot to me, he would depend on me during the hard times...it was painful...he even told our common friends that he already forgot anything that concerns me...I wanted to cry back then...but I had to put up a face in front of our friends that it's okay...that's just how he is...


His treatment became worse when we're with friends...he treated me as if I was deadly virus...my hand brushed his hand one time accidentally...and he immediately pulled away and looked at me in disgust...I wanted to hit him hard...but I was too weak to hurt him...


I got used to it after how many times...I tried to avoid him as much as I can too...but having common friends was kind of hard...also when I see him, I can't help but look at him...I just wanted to see him smile and laugh...because if I do see his smile, even if it's not for me, I feel relieved...


When I miss him, I just look at a photo of him looking straight into the camera with a gentle smile on his face...His eyes are really beautiful...It has been always difficult to see his eyes clearly...but then after looking at that photo and never seeing that same smile made me broken...


I started to hate myself...Now, I always feel that I don't care about what happens to me...I don't have a future...I don't love myself...I'm a desperate person looking for him...I am a liar...I have no passion...I have no dreams...I don't want to associate myself to others who have beautiful dreams...I don't want them to have a friend like me...I will just go with whatever the world brings me until it stops and decides that I am no longer useful in this world...


I feel it everyday...and then last Sunday...I said to myself...I really want to see him...hug him...hold his hands and talk to me...so I texted him to please come to me...and he did...


We talked for a while...I was able to get what I initially wanted...until we fell asleep...I felt really happy after these years...but when we were sleeping...his faced his back in front of me...he never did that to me before...I hugged him again, but he didn't move until the morning...


I missed him so much...I really love him...I needed him...if only he felt the same way...or even showed me a hint that he still cares about me...I would have had the heart to push myself that maybe I'm still needed after all...that I can still look forward to something...but...no...who would love a mess like me...pessimistic and hateful...


When he left...I knew he wouldn't text again...I give up...that day was my closure...that was really my goodbye...no more...leave him be...there's no more path that I can go to be with him...i have finally accepted that...




where to go now?i'm stuck again...I'm so pathetic...

 
 
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
 
 
Kana
16 February 2010 @ 10:16 pm
Hi guys~

well you see i have been watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. since last week and I'm currently on season 8, the episode where Rachel (Jeniffer Aniston) told Ross (David Schwimmer) that she's pregnant with his child. The series never failed to crack me up. It's about the life of friends and the stories are from real life situations. The good thing about these series is that it's really the bond of their friendship. ( i have no idea what I'm saying in my blog). I wish me and my friends are like that but it's impossible, it's already that good to be true.

I'm gonna make this blog post short. Anyhoo~ I have been awaiting nico live every night and I always get unlucky cause I'm having a hard time getting in. T__T

That's it. By the way~ I started to love Izaya-kun from Durarara and the opening theme is still on my head. *sigh*

night guys~ I still have to watch Queen Seon Deok in local channel...xD
 
 
Current Location: Tarlac City
Current Mood: hyperhyper
Current Music: OP theme from Durarara!
 
 
 
Kana
16 February 2010 @ 09:35 am
First of all let me greet everyone belated Happy Chinese New Year and Happy Valentines Day...

oh yeah...HI I'M BACK!

I have mixed emotions about yesterday. It's the first time I did not enjoy valentine's day. Well I enjoyed it partly when I was with my girl-friends.

The day started out alright even though I got stuck in traffic in Quiapo area. I was supposed to be in Mall of Asia earlier than  xedosarthea but she got there first. We met at Starbucks and tried to wait for Perl and Roma. I bought my own Choco Cream Chip drink and got lucky that they're up-sizing for free an order yesterday. xedosarthea and I just chatted for a while about various stuff until we decided to roam around instead. We went to Samsung to check out the cellphone xedosarthea wanted. Then finally Perl texted and met her in Tom's World. I got so excited when I saw Guitar Freaks v6 Blazing there and we played till we got tired and really hungry. xD Then Roma came and decided to eat. We went to Pancake House for lunch. Roma and I ordered Carbonara and Tacos and additional Caesar's Salad for me, while Perl ordered a set, and xedosarthea ordered Mashed Potatoes and a big Waffle. Eden came really late so we just took a photo without her.


We then went to Timezone, played with someone's credits. We wanted to play Technika however there were too many Technika addicts already so we just played the Guitar Freaks and Drum Mania again. We then got bored and transferred to Power Station just to play more Guitar Freaks and Drum Mania. xDDD

I then have to go because I have dinner plans with the family. But then my mom is missing so I had to go look for her. My girl-friends accompanied me while looking for her, yay~! I then left my friends and looked for a place to eat dinner. The mall was jam packed with people. It was really hard to walk around. The pyro olympics was taking place there so the area near the seaside is really crowded.

After eating dinner, my family and I played bowling. I wasn't able to strike a shot even once, nor a spare. After the good laugh, my parents and youngest sibling started ruining the day. I just told them that I'm tired and will be going home to our apartment alone and walked out. They couldn't reach me via cellphone since my cellphone got discharged. 

I had a hard time going home. I almost cried just because I went back and forth to the eastern and western sides of the mall trying to get a ride. I got home about 1:00am today and I was dead tired so I just went straight to  bed without even fixing myself.

The day was really horrible I wish I just told my family that I was not available during that day. I could have just enjoyed my time with my friends and had fun all day.

BTW. BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY EVER LOVING, LOUD AND ONE OF MY GREATEST FRIENDS SAOWIE~ love you girl!

PS: We played a session game in Tom's World. at first we thought it was just lag, because the GF plays faster than the DM. In the end. GF broke!
 
 
Current Location: Tarlac City
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Magnet by Nico Nico Chorus
 
 
Kana
05 May 2009 @ 03:54 pm
Went to the event to accompanyxedosarthea andhottomiruku to cosplay Hetalia. I came a bit late but I was just right on time. We wandered at the event with Aiko, Uretz, Tempestora and a newbie in Ichi. Before entering the hall number 4 of SMX Convention Hall of Mall of Asia. We played a little while outside the hall. Since I was wearing a chinese style clothing and Aiko has this paper emblem something, we decided I act as a Munak monster from Ragnarok Online. It was a funny sight really. the Spain (xedosarthea ) and Greece (hottomiruku ) were about to destroy me.



Then Aiko thought of a pose that will make us look like HEROES:



Don't forget the sentai pose hahahah!:
 



Inside we met our fellow APH cosplayers, Italy and England. They were selling art stuff and Mei bought me an England button pin. We also played inside tried to make a pic of Caramell-Dansen moves. Also I played  a little kung-fu which I really looked stupid.
 




We went outside to eat, decided to go to Tokyo-Tokyo. Before we went out we met the sisters. They were really cute. When we arrived  the restaurant, funny thing was, we saw a former group member of our TRC Cosplay Group, Katzen. We were exchanging glances with each other, both unsure if it was really him. We did not have the courage to make sure so after eating we just left. Then Homer stayed at the entranced of Mall of Asia to meet up with Leny while Mei and I went back to the convention since we only have less an hour left.
 


When we went inside again we found this tall guy wearing roller blades...and YAY it was Lyron~  He kinda looked scary though still he was so cool...as usual he hugged me liked his best buddy...x3



 
 

 
 
Current Location: Pasig City
Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: Doitsu Version of Maru Kaite Chikyuu
 
 
Kana
04 May 2009 @ 09:17 pm
Started the day pissed off actually. The Admin had a deal and he liked blew it off. So I talked to him a night before that a deal was a deal and rules are rules or else I would back out as the head emcee of the event.
Generally, the activities were great, It just so happens that our target time was so...uhh how do you describe it. Well a lot was cancelled. SO there. I started the event with an irritated face. It was just hard to control them and the council was kinda soft i guess. I am friendly, but being part of the production team I have to do my job well right? Enough with the rant, let's discuss the day with little details.

The production team was early at the meet-up point. We arrived the area about an hour late but it was okay. While waiting for the members, I tried the rock climbing area. Yeah I'm that excited. Some of the council accompanied me and took pictures. I was frightened at first 'coz I have a little fear in height but I was able to get it, since I'm just facing the wall. All in my head was, "I CAN DO THIS", and I did...xD






After all the excitement, I went back to the group and noticed a lot of members arrived already, so I greeted them HI~



The first activity was of course the opening prayer, the staff introduction and the get to know game.




We then had our lunch and mini games. Bonded with people and tried to fix the scheds. By the way here's me and my emcee partner Leslie:



We then had our second game the Minefield. I was really strict in this game since we were already rushing. Here's how it looked like.
 


Then on to paintball briefing!


After that everyone played paintball. Idid not play paintball...although, I did something exciting too. xD Thanks to Rocky and Momo for inviting me...^__^ Yay to rope sliding!
 




After that we did the awarding...group pics and of course HOOOME~




PS: Pics are grabbed from different people...thanks~



 
 
Current Location: Pasig City
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Bubbles
 
 
Kana
04 May 2009 @ 08:42 pm
Yes this day was a day for me and xedosarthea . We went to Mall of Asia for food trip and of course arcade mode.

We met at Starbucks in the middle building. Suprisingly she gave me bibingka which I was craving for days before the meet-up. Thank you Mei *hugs*. THen went to the arcade and played DDR, GF, and DM in two different arcades! It was fun and tiring. I never played with a friend that much...^__^ and we tried out the purikura!hahaha! At first it's like we don't know how to really use it (I don't really). So at the first pic it was like a really LOL shot. After that  we ate our merienda  at Pizza Hut Bistro. We ordered Fetuccini Alfredo and fries. IT was satisfying.

Here's the picture for that day!

 
 
Current Location: Pasig City
Current Mood: energeticenergetic
Current Music: Love Shine
 
 
Kana
13 April 2009 @ 09:07 pm
OMG~! ang tagal ko nang hinde nagpost...xD

Let's start it off with the Ozine preparation...

It's a good thing i have trusted seamstresses who can make our costumes in a jiffy without problems...xD
Yeah our Hetalia costumes were made in just a week. Mei bought the Spain and Hong Kong flag while I made the china and Taiwan flag. I'm also the one who bought the flags poles and was prepared by my friend Dasku (thanks a lot!).

OZINE FEST DAY 1

I decided to costrip as Isane Kotetsu from Bleach I was late for a while because I bought the flag poles before i went to the event. I also lacked sleep that day, I rushed the flags early morning. Mae also have to pass by Dasku's crib because she needs to iron her clothes and she can't iron them on her own *peace*. We wore our costumes there and thought Mae how to put on her contact lens which she ordered through me. It took us about half an hour 'coz it's really hard to put on contacts for the first time. We then took the cab and off to Megamall. When we arrived I rushed to wear my wig and put on make up 'coz I wanted to join the Karaoke Contest of the event, which I was able to. There were so many good competitors but at least I was able to share the little talent of mine. Kitty from our Ichiraku Forums won by the way, she was really good *thumbs up*. The day went well until I saw my ex's current girlfriend. She was wearing his Syaoran costume. I knew it was his 'coz I was the one who sewed the emblem on the back.  I changed costume after that and started roaming around. Saowie and Rachel accompanied me all that time. Then we went back up to the fifth floor 'coz we were looking for Nel 'coz the purple wig that Rachel will use is with him. Then I saw Mae and she offered a rid home and I gladly accepted.  I saw my ex while I was going down. I thought I could ignore him, but then I just climbed up the stairs again and said sorry. I was happy to see him then, even though he did not talk to me. He just nodded.
Here's a picture of us by the way. I together with Mei and our friend Faust

Yeah pic was grabbed from Mei's multiply.

 
OZINE FEST DAY 2

Of all of the days I was there, It was the most enjoyable day. I get to see my waifie and more of my friends. We costripped Hetalia on this day. It was a success! We roamed around carrying flags as if we were in a parade. The best part of it was there were other Hetalia cosplayers! I was the only one with a clone. I went as Hong Kong by the way while Mei went as Spain, Rosen as China, and Jeni as Taiwan. My waifie was part of the group cosplay Princess Tutu group. They dance very well, unfortunately they were not able to win any place. Still their performance was great. I was also able to meet Kitty and Nekoleen personally. It was funny when I introduced myself to them, they were really shy to talk to me. When Kitty asked who I was and answered her, she turned me around and hugged me form the back and called me "sempai". It was touching really though I felt old. Haha!
Here are some pictures: (please forgive my awful looking face in some pictures)






Pics are mostly from Mei and from Homer


OZINE DAY 3

Nadz stayed at my crib during the night of day 2. We chatted a lot and even ate kwek-kwek at about 2 o'clock in the morning. We woke up early 'coz we have to go to her lola's home to get some stuff. Also we passed through Divisoria 'coz I have to buy fake eyeglasses and flower head dress for Rachel. I lost my coin purse before I rode the jeep. I almost cried because my Hong Kong souvenir was there, but most importantly the guradian angel Ian gave me when we were called officially a couple more than 2 years ago. It was something really precious to me. We then proceeded to Megamall again and I costripped as Yuki Nagato from Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu. Nadz accompanied me by costripping as Kagami HIiragi from Lucky Star. We played in timezone the whole time. Played DDR and played around the mall. Nothing really special happened that day. ALthough I got snobbed by an aquaintance just because I was the girlfriend and 'coz I am an Ichiraku member. It's okay. I know I did nothing wrong to him. May God forgive him if there is a God.

Here's the last set of pictures!

Oh yeah I found a really big tomato...xD




Few days passed and I blamed him for the pain I was feeling. Until I finally decided to stop. I know I'm wrong. I always felt that way. Still I was stupid enough to make him feel bad and make myself really immature and stupid. I never had a chance from the beginning, I thought to myself. I have to accept this false fact to help myself. Yes I have false facts in myself. It was a way to fight myself.  I'm brainless that's why I told him stuff he didn't do but I never once hated him. I was just depressed. And I'm sorry but that was the way I acted when I got depressed.

It's okay now. I am the one avoiding now. I guess this is the best thing I did after all these months.

To distract myself, I joined Yuber's TRC group. I want to have that dress. I revived the Touhou group. I'm doing this 'coz I have a reason again. Enjoy the time before I go to school again. It doesn't matter what I need he said. It's what I want. This is what I want. Not those gadgets. Also I have my friends here. I enjoy this with them. THis is what I'm good at might as well enjoy it.

ICHIRAKU FOURTH ANNIVERSARY IS 4 DAYS AWAY!CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!
I'll be the emcee of the event so see you Ichiraku guys there!

Until next time~
 
 

 
 
Current Location: Pasig City
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Californication